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Sexual healing: Loss and grief, how it can impact your sex life

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ALSO READ: Sexual healing: Why you need to pay attention to your body after sleeping with your partner

In today’s world, one would be forgiven for feeling like sex in love, marriage and romantic relationships must always be nice and rosy to be considered good and healthy. Even from reading this column, you might be wondering why your sex life does not seem to match those that are discussed.

While I endeavour to convey information that causes you to weigh, evaluate and reach for your best and highest sex life, I think it would be a good idea to talk about the seasons of love and sex where loss is concerned.

While reading about other people’s seemingly wonderful relationships – and I do hope and believe they are there – have you considered that some of the issues showing up in your bedroom are simply as a result of being in a different season?

Loss is one of those seasons. Why don’t we look at it, how it can impact your relationship and sex life, and how to navigate through it honestly and compassionately with yourself and your partner?

Loss in different forms

Loss is one of the most common seasons in any relationship. You may have lost a pregnancy, an older child, a spouse, sibling, parent, grandparent, in-law, friend or other person who meant a lot to you.

Those are the more ‘obvious’ losses; death. How about the loss of a dream e.g. a failed IVF procedure, a business, friendship or other meaningful relationship? ‘At least’ with death, there is a societal acknowledgment of that loss.

ALSO READ: Sexual healing: Nine ways that sex can be medicine

There is also a clearer demarcation of who/what was there, and who/what is now gone.

The reality, however, is that a loss is a loss. I’m sad to say but some of you seem to treat the loss of unborn children as lesser losses than those of living children. Anyone who has suffered a miscarriage, a failed IVF treatment, still birth or other loss would tell you that the heartbreak is no less than that of a living child.

This same unhelpful and untrue theory seems to apply to losses of friendships, where it seems as if you’re over-reacting by feeling the hurt deeply. Kindly stop trying to diminish the depth of your pain and begin to acknowledge it.

What to do: With regard to your sex life, the answer is “nothing that you don’t want to”. Sex requires physical and emotional vulnerability.

Loss creates vulnerability that can feel like it is beyond your comprehension. Combining the two can therefore feel like too much to handle.

If this is you, then allow yourself the space to take sex off the proverbial table. Instead, you can spend some time attending to your needs and your pain.

Understand that you are grieving

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ALSO READ: Sexual healing: Three ways you could be hurting your intimacy

the steps of which are denial, bargaining, anger, depression, forgiveness and acceptance. Furthermore, because grief is a processes and processes take time, allow yourself the necessary time to feel your loss as you figure out how to move forward and what to do with it. On the other hand, some of you may experience an increased sexual appetite.

In fact, you may find that all your appetites are increased; you’re eating, sleeping and desiring sexual contact more than is usual for you. If this is you, understand that this is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

I say this because some of you add on to your troubles the burden of feeling as if you must be stuck on the sadness of grief in a way that makes sense on the outside so I hope that you can hear me when I say that an increased sex drive is simply your subconscious need for connection and ‘aliveness’ (death is especially notorious for causing us to feel like a part of us had died with the person that has gone before us).

Don’t suppress your sexual appetite

Allow it. Indulge in it. Sex is good for you (as we discussed in last week’s article) and has many benefits to you. These benefits may be more critical to you now more than ever.

The only caveat I will add is that if your grief is causing you to behave in a way that violates your own sense of right and wrong e.g. indiscriminate, risky sexual behaviour, then I would strongly encourage you to seek the support of a mental health professional; be sure to confirm that they are well-versed in grief counseling.

Don’t use sex as a numbing tool

It cannot and will not take away your pain, no matter how much you hope that it will. That would simply be beyond its capabilities.

Sex’s role is not to numb but to awaken you; your pain, your loss, your sense of being alive and ultimately your core. It is likely to bring your pain to the surface, which may hurt more in the beginning but will ultimately be the way through which you grieve and then choose how to live meaningfully with the loss.

If you’re reading this and you’re connecting to it because of your own loss, that of your partner or someone else, I grieve with you and send you my heartfelt condolences. What you are going through may be hell right now but it will not last, and you do not need to go through it alone.

With regard to its impact on your sexual desires, fantasies, joys or connection, allow yourself to feel your feelings and honour yourself and your body by taking some time off of it or indulging in it as one of the many options available to you. Whatever you choose, I wish you peace and love as you process your loss. 

 

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Singer speaks after attacking lover at WCB signee Zuchu’s star-studded concert

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By Standard Entertainment



56 minutes ago

Controversial singer Gigy Money turned WCB signee Zuchu’s concert into a fight club, hurling shoes at her lover.

On 18 July, there was fanfare at the Mlimani City Hall in Dar es Salaam as WCB signee Zuchu held a thanksgiving concert months after her debut EP, I Am Zuchu. The event dubbed ‘Ahsante Nashukuru’ mainly featured performances by artistes from the WCB stable and attracted the whos-who in the Tanzanian entertainment and political scenes. 

READ ALSO: I’m not behind Diamond, Tanasha split- WCB’s Zuchu sets record straight

However, singer Gigy Money who also performed made the headlines for the wrong reasons after getting into a scuffle with her lover during the much-publicised concert.

READ ALSO: I was bewitched by a friend – Gigy Money

Peaceful arrival, later chaos

Moments earlier, Gigy and her Nigerian man were seen arriving arm in arm at the event whose highlight featured Zuchu receiving a brand new car from WCB head honcho Diamond Platnumz. Donning matching outfits, the couple was spotted on the red carpet as the paparazzi scrambled to capture the moment.  However, all hell breaks loose later and viral videos depict the visibly angered Nigerian arguing with a bouncer at the entrance. After a tense confrontation, Gigy’s man is seen being led by the screaming bouncer towards the exit. Shortly after, a similarly irritated Gigy emerges and follows the pair.

“Gigy! Wewe Gigy wewe!” a woman in the background is heard dissuading the singer from pursuing them but the singer pays no heed and heads for the pair.

“You want to beat me?” the boyfriend is heard asking an approaching Gigy as the bouncer acts as a barrier between them. The bouncer manages to steer the incensed man towards the exit as Gigy follows behind, hurling obscenities.

READ ALSO: I will get a baby with your eldest son – Gigy Money warns Zari

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At some point, a barefoot Gigy turns into a sprint before throwing one of her shoes which hits the man who then responds with an insult. Another bouncer finally intervenes and the two are separated. Gigy then asks for her vehicle so she can head home before warning the press against sharing videos of the incident.

Addresses incident

Though the cause of their tiff is still unknown Gigy later made reference to the shocking incident in a social media post, hinting that alcohol had a part to play in the fracas.  In another post, Gigy shared a photo alongside her estranged lover writing: “My mad man looked handsome before his demons arose and mine arose too.”

‘Running over Ali Kiba’

Gigy is not new controversy and recently said she’d run over her ex, singer Ali Kiba for breaking her heart.

“I will knock all of them down, I mean I will kill them. In fact, I will flatten them like chapatis. The first person I will knock down and kill is Ali Kiba.  Actually, I don’t need a weak car, I need a Fuso so that when I knock him down I will be sure he doesn’t survive,” Gigy told Ayo TV.

READ ALSO: Gigy Money under fire for dirty-dancing with married singer

Dating Kiba brothers

Gigy had in the past admitted to dating both Ali Kiba and his younger brother, Abdu Kiba. She solely laid the blame on Chekecha singer for pursuing her despite knowing that she’d been with his younger brother. Abdu expressed being heartbroken after learning the two had a fling, prompting him to marry.

“I was very hurt on hearing that Ali was dating Gigy Money because I dated her first before she became famous. But it’s alleged that Ali didn’t know. It hurt me for a while till when I married,” said Abdu.

 

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Defunct Nairobi County Council  Nurses Go On Strike, Citing Discrimination By The Government

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Defunct Nairobi County Council  Nurses Go On Strike, Citing Discrimination By The Government

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Why Jahmby Kokai is happy her TV anchor dream never came true

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By Diana Anyango



37 minutes ago

Jahmby Koikai is glad her dream of being a TV anchor never came true.

Popular media personality Jahmby Koikai narrated how her first attempt at auditioning as a TV host backfired and she was sent home on the first day of the audition. Reliving her prime days, Jahmby narrated how she was determined to follow her dream of becoming a news anchor after completing her degree.

“There was a reality show that was running on one major TV channel here in Kenya, searching for the next top news anchor. I’ve always had the knack for news. At the time, I was working at Metro FM. Walked to my boss and asked him if he was ok with me participating in this competition. He agreed to it.

“Auditions were at Film Studios. The queue stretched all the way to the showground. I was at the back kabisa. Imagine 300 people before you. Then we got the briefing paper and it indicated, ‘no persons with experience in a media house allowed to participate in this audition’. Mimi Jahmby Koikai, nirudi home after watu 300 kukuwa mbele yangu?” she posed.

READ ALSO: Jahmby Koikai back in Kenya after a year of treatment abroad

According to the endometriosis survivor, she went ahead to audition for the position despite the warning and was the first contestant to be sent packing.

“So I stayed in line until I got to the audition room. The judges were a few people I was in campus with. I felt a wave of despair. Like I’m here auditioning, yet my classmates will be judging me? I did my thing and I was considered. We got into the house and we were assigned to different groups. I was the group leader and we won the challenge. Later that evening, we were driven back to Film Studios for a briefing. The presenter of the show said some of us have to go home.

“My name was called out first amongst other great people. We were dropped home. I cried. It felt like I’d lost such a great opportunity. My mom and late grandma were so sad cos they loved to watch me do the news,” she narrated.

READ ALSO: Why I’m walking around with a mask- Jahmby Koikai

Second audition

Later, Jahmby auditioned for another TV opportunity only to miss out as well.

“Then came another opportunity over 10 years ago, I saw a TV ad and decided to apply for the news anchor position. I didn’t get the job.”

However, due to endometriosis, Jahmby was forced to put her dreams on hold and concentrate on getting better. According to her, it is as though God had better plans for her and is grateful to not have gotten the jobs.

“I battled severe endometriosis in silence for over 19 years. I think of how engaging the newsroom is and I’m grateful I wasn’t in that space. I’d have utilized all my sick-leaves and off-days and just declared redundant.”

 

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There was a reality show that was running on one major TV channel here in Kenya, searching for the next top news anchor. I’ve always had the knack for news. At the time, I was working at Metro Fm. Walked to my boss and asked him if he was ok with me participating in this competition. He agreed to it. Auditions were at Film Studios. The queue stretched all the way to the showground. I was at the back kabisa. Imagine 300 people before you. Then we got the briefing paper and it indicated, ‘no persons with experience in a media house allowed to participate in this audition’. Mimi Jahmby Koikai, nirudi home after watu 300 kukuwa mbele yangu? Nikasema zi. So I stayed in line until I got to the audition room. The judges were a few people I was in campus with. I felt a wave of despair. Like I’m here auditioning, yet my classmates will be judging me? I did my thing and I was considered. We got into the house and we were assigned to different groups. I was the group leader and we won the challenge. Later that evening, we were driven back to Film Studios for a briefing. The presenter of the show said, some of us have to go home. My name was called out first amongst other great people. We were dropped home. I cried. It felt like I’d lost such a great opportunity. My mom and late grandma were so sad cos they loved to watch me do the news. Then came another opportunity over 10years ago, I saw a TV ad and decided to apply for the news anchor position. As you see in this pic, I got my hair done at Ralph’s Hair Salon, new suit etc. I didn’t get the job. After KBC, I never got to anchor the news again. I’m grateful I did not get the job even though I felt dejected at the time. I battled severe Endometriosis in silence for over 19years. I think of how engaging the newsroom is and I’m grateful I wasn’t in that space. I’d have utilised all my sick-leaves and off-days and just declared redundant. There are many people like me who are bound by chronic illness and cannot do the things they love. I share your pain. But there’s hope. I’m grateful to God for His reminder that He will restore to you all the years that the locusts have eaten. Also Jer 29:11

A post shared by Jahmby Conqueror (@jahmbykoikai) on

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