How have you been? How is everything going with you?
I was listening to my wedding playlist a couple of hours ago. I always do this when I don’t find sense in books or movies- and I just realised that deep down, I believe that these songs and all other proper love songs ever composed on earth refer to one man. There is one constant Romeo. For me, they will always refer to you. A man who will find me and eclipse all other men on earth. Remarkable people love only once. I will be incapable of loving more than once.
I have listened to deeply crooked stories about love which should perhaps make me put a lid on my expectation for eternal love and that kid of fairy tale.
The stories I have heard have a pattern. Love starts all shiny and new and looking like it is going to last forever. And it just ends up looking like rubbish.
You have heard about lovers who stab each other in the dead of the night or the bitter divorce cases that end up with people struggling over property.
As if nothing else mattered.
If you are like me, you have probably paused and wondered whether this love is achievable, indeed, you have wondered if such an achievement is something that is worthy.
Some of my friends have been heartbroken by the men whose names they swore by. Others got away with permanent scars. On some days when I see couples happily holding hands in town, a part of me envies them.
A part of me wishes that love stories should never end bitterly in order to restore faith in this institution called marriage that is ideally founded on the fear of God, love, everlasting fidelity, and a purity of heart. But aren’t all these just dreams? Is love worth waiting for?
I am sorry if you find my letter pessimistic today. The truth is that I worry. I worry often of the kind of lover I will be to you.
Probably just ugly. I wonder how I will turn out as a wife or girlfriend or mother… (not in that order).
Will being a good friend to you be good enough? Maybe not. I will have to be a lover as well. A part that I have not nurtured and may not be able to until you arrive. What if it all just turns out to be bad writing? Will I have the capacity to make you happy? A happiness that can last a lifetime? I know that your life is comfortable now.
You are enjoying what you are doing and to a large extent, you feel fulfilled. Why would you want to trade that kind of order with a relationship with a woman who might be confused or turn out just commonplace?
What if, instead of being a start of something meaningful, our relationship turns out to be the culmination of something quite meaningless?
I HOPE FEAR IS NORMAL IN YOUR WORLD
I hope that in your world, fear is something labelled as normal. That is what I’m feeling tonight. Fear. If you were here or if I knew you in person, I would maybe ask for a week to sort out my fears. But luckily, I still have no idea of how you look so I will live like a lady and sort my worries out.
In your prayers, ask God for a love that’s genuine and true and one that never grows old or boring. I understand that our relationship will not always be a honeymoon but pray for a terrific love that does not perish with time. I will do the same.