My wife and I are about the same age. We’ve been married for two years, within which she has become very disrespectful of me, and does not care how I feel about it. I’ve resisted her desire to control me, a factor that has led to many unresolved issues in our relationship. She thinks only about herself. I feel somehow trapped in this marriage because of my Christian faith and my son. We can’t agree on anything, so we basically quarrel about everything. She has stopped going to church and spends her time watching TV at home. She has shut herself from people at church who would have helped us. There is really nothing left to fight for in this relationship.
A loving relationship is founded on mutual support. Such support encompasses values like honouring and respecting each other and each other’s views. It is also founded on healthy communication. It’s clear from your email that your marriage lacks the support it needs to thrive.
I, however, don’t think that all is lost. Even though your wife may have hurt you, it’s essential that you open a door of communication so that you can talk about the issues hurting your marriage. When you get this chance, don’t just talk about the hurt and disappointment, also talk about the successes and happy moments you have had to remind yourselves of the possibilities.
You may need to probe your relationship from several angles: First, did your wife show these signs albeit in a small way before you married or early in the marriage? I’m of the conviction that she could have shown some signs of a controlling nature and it could be that you either did not notice these signs, or you ignored them.
Second, could something have happened early in the marriage that triggered her shut-down? For her to cut off everyone in church, particularly those who could help is worrying. Your assurance and acceptance of her, rather than taking a hard-line approach could help her open up.
The two of you also need to revisit how you met, how you view each other, and how the evolution of issues affecting your marriage came about. For example, how you view each other will affect how you receive teach other’s input into what is affecting your relationship.
In turn, how a couple views each other reveals whether they are willing to validate and affirm each other. The gap that exists between you and your wife now is testimony of a sour relationship and lack of mutual support. A decision to see your wife with the same eyes God sees you with could help tone down the animosity you feel toward her.
Of concern, first is the distancing of your wife from church. If a solution is not found fast, this faith that once connected the two of you will become a thing of the past.
Second is the distancing of your wife from people who were once close to the two of your and could have given the support needed now. The question to ask yourself is whether her dislike of church and pulling apart from others is part of protecting herself from being judged by them. It could also be that the way the two of you have handled the issues that confront you have pushed her into a cocoon from which she feels unsafe and alone when out. Television has become her comfort because it does not judge her.
You mention resisting her controlling nature. Perhaps you need to interrogate how you react to her needs. This, in addition to how you have reacted to other issues she has raised, could shed light on her behaviour. It’s also important to revisit how she has faced issues in her past life since this could explain why she acts as though she’s being suffocated by you and the company she’s avoiding.
The Bible speaks about thinking of the other person as better than yourself. I encourage you to lead your household Jesus style. Yes, your wife is controlling; however, you cannot change this by being unresponsive or rigid.
Your current attitude will do nothing but draw the two of you apart. One person has to give in, so why can’t it be you? Christ led us by offering unconditional love and unconditional forgiveness. He was a servant leader who served expecting nothing in return.
I urge you to take time, pray and write down what you need to do based on what I’ve outlined. Follow this with a moment of reflection to see whether your attitude towards your wife could be contributing to the stalemate you’re experiencing. To start off a meaningful discussion, begin by affirming her before you let her know what you need from her and go on from there.
I would like to get married, but I fear ending up with the wrong man
I’ve been a keen reader of your column for the last five years. I’m 30 years, a single mother of two children that I got in my teenage. I was rebellious, and never really listened to anybody. I just lived life the way I saw fit. My two children are from two different men who never showed kindness to me. It has taken time for me to heal. With my children now grown-up, I’ve been desiring to get into a relationship, but after reading many negative stories in newspapers and watching worrying news on TV about marriage, I get scared about what would happen if I got into a relationship. I would rather be in a relationship of friends. There’s too much selfishness out there.
Your fears about today’s marriages and relationships in general are justified. Sadly, many are not doing much to get back to where they embrace a learner’s attitude. As much as the bodies of our young people are maturing faster, this is not commensurate to their mental and emotional development, which seems to lag behind. If there is no intentionality in the maturing of our young people, they will find it difficult, even in adulthood, to handle stressful situations even in their own relationships.
That said, I am of the conviction that both marriage and singleness are a gift. I can’t say that you were called for singleness.
As a mother of two, you have certain priorities that are very clear. Among these are your personal development and raising your children well.
I encourage you to be proud of your singleness, to enjoy it and live it with pride and responsibility. When a time comes for you to move to marriage, you will recognise that time.
There is a lot at stake that needs to be carefully considered before you make the decision to have a man in your life, even though you have healed from the past.
Instead of giving in to the fear of the unknown, focus on being your best at this stage and seek to get fulfilment in what you are doing as you look forward to the future.
Note that though important, marriage will not necessarily complete you.
God has created us whole and able to reach the potential he created us to reach, so do not allow fear to rule your life.
Singer speaks after attacking lover at WCB signee Zuchu’s star-studded concert
56 minutes ago
On 18 July, there was fanfare at the Mlimani City Hall in Dar es Salaam as WCB signee Zuchu held a thanksgiving concert months after her debut EP, I Am Zuchu. The event dubbed ‘Ahsante Nashukuru’ mainly featured performances by artistes from the WCB stable and attracted the whos-who in the Tanzanian entertainment and political scenes.
However, singer Gigy Money who also performed made the headlines for the wrong reasons after getting into a scuffle with her lover during the much-publicised concert.
READ ALSO: I was bewitched by a friend – Gigy Money
Peaceful arrival, later chaos
Moments earlier, Gigy and her Nigerian man were seen arriving arm in arm at the event whose highlight featured Zuchu receiving a brand new car from WCB head honcho Diamond Platnumz. Donning matching outfits, the couple was spotted on the red carpet as the paparazzi scrambled to capture the moment. However, all hell breaks loose later and viral videos depict the visibly angered Nigerian arguing with a bouncer at the entrance. After a tense confrontation, Gigy’s man is seen being led by the screaming bouncer towards the exit. Shortly after, a similarly irritated Gigy emerges and follows the pair.
“Gigy! Wewe Gigy wewe!” a woman in the background is heard dissuading the singer from pursuing them but the singer pays no heed and heads for the pair.
“You want to beat me?” the boyfriend is heard asking an approaching Gigy as the bouncer acts as a barrier between them. The bouncer manages to steer the incensed man towards the exit as Gigy follows behind, hurling obscenities.
At some point, a barefoot Gigy turns into a sprint before throwing one of her shoes which hits the man who then responds with an insult. Another bouncer finally intervenes and the two are separated. Gigy then asks for her vehicle so she can head home before warning the press against sharing videos of the incident.
Though the cause of their tiff is still unknown Gigy later made reference to the shocking incident in a social media post, hinting that alcohol had a part to play in the fracas. In another post, Gigy shared a photo alongside her estranged lover writing: “My mad man looked handsome before his demons arose and mine arose too.”
‘Running over Ali Kiba’
Gigy is not new controversy and recently said she’d run over her ex, singer Ali Kiba for breaking her heart.
“I will knock all of them down, I mean I will kill them. In fact, I will flatten them like chapatis. The first person I will knock down and kill is Ali Kiba. Actually, I don’t need a weak car, I need a Fuso so that when I knock him down I will be sure he doesn’t survive,” Gigy told Ayo TV.
Dating Kiba brothers
Gigy had in the past admitted to dating both Ali Kiba and his younger brother, Abdu Kiba. She solely laid the blame on Chekecha singer for pursuing her despite knowing that she’d been with his younger brother. Abdu expressed being heartbroken after learning the two had a fling, prompting him to marry.
“I was very hurt on hearing that Ali was dating Gigy Money because I dated her first before she became famous. But it’s alleged that Ali didn’t know. It hurt me for a while till when I married,” said Abdu.
Defunct Nairobi County Council Nurses Go On Strike, Citing Discrimination By The Government
Why Jahmby Kokai is happy her TV anchor dream never came true
37 minutes ago
Popular media personality Jahmby Koikai narrated how her first attempt at auditioning as a TV host backfired and she was sent home on the first day of the audition. Reliving her prime days, Jahmby narrated how she was determined to follow her dream of becoming a news anchor after completing her degree.
“There was a reality show that was running on one major TV channel here in Kenya, searching for the next top news anchor. I’ve always had the knack for news. At the time, I was working at Metro FM. Walked to my boss and asked him if he was ok with me participating in this competition. He agreed to it.
“Auditions were at Film Studios. The queue stretched all the way to the showground. I was at the back kabisa. Imagine 300 people before you. Then we got the briefing paper and it indicated, ‘no persons with experience in a media house allowed to participate in this audition’. Mimi Jahmby Koikai, nirudi home after watu 300 kukuwa mbele yangu?” she posed.
According to the endometriosis survivor, she went ahead to audition for the position despite the warning and was the first contestant to be sent packing.
“So I stayed in line until I got to the audition room. The judges were a few people I was in campus with. I felt a wave of despair. Like I’m here auditioning, yet my classmates will be judging me? I did my thing and I was considered. We got into the house and we were assigned to different groups. I was the group leader and we won the challenge. Later that evening, we were driven back to Film Studios for a briefing. The presenter of the show said some of us have to go home.
“My name was called out first amongst other great people. We were dropped home. I cried. It felt like I’d lost such a great opportunity. My mom and late grandma were so sad cos they loved to watch me do the news,” she narrated.
Later, Jahmby auditioned for another TV opportunity only to miss out as well.
“Then came another opportunity over 10 years ago, I saw a TV ad and decided to apply for the news anchor position. I didn’t get the job.”
However, due to endometriosis, Jahmby was forced to put her dreams on hold and concentrate on getting better. According to her, it is as though God had better plans for her and is grateful to not have gotten the jobs.
“I battled severe endometriosis in silence for over 19 years. I think of how engaging the newsroom is and I’m grateful I wasn’t in that space. I’d have utilized all my sick-leaves and off-days and just declared redundant.”
There was a reality show that was running on one major TV channel here in Kenya, searching for the next top news anchor. I’ve always had the knack for news. At the time, I was working at Metro Fm. Walked to my boss and asked him if he was ok with me participating in this competition. He agreed to it. Auditions were at Film Studios. The queue stretched all the way to the showground. I was at the back kabisa. Imagine 300 people before you. Then we got the briefing paper and it indicated, ‘no persons with experience in a media house allowed to participate in this audition’. Mimi Jahmby Koikai, nirudi home after watu 300 kukuwa mbele yangu? Nikasema zi. So I stayed in line until I got to the audition room. The judges were a few people I was in campus with. I felt a wave of despair. Like I’m here auditioning, yet my classmates will be judging me? I did my thing and I was considered. We got into the house and we were assigned to different groups. I was the group leader and we won the challenge. Later that evening, we were driven back to Film Studios for a briefing. The presenter of the show said, some of us have to go home. My name was called out first amongst other great people. We were dropped home. I cried. It felt like I’d lost such a great opportunity. My mom and late grandma were so sad cos they loved to watch me do the news. Then came another opportunity over 10years ago, I saw a TV ad and decided to apply for the news anchor position. As you see in this pic, I got my hair done at Ralph’s Hair Salon, new suit etc. I didn’t get the job. After KBC, I never got to anchor the news again. I’m grateful I did not get the job even though I felt dejected at the time. I battled severe Endometriosis in silence for over 19years. I think of how engaging the newsroom is and I’m grateful I wasn’t in that space. I’d have utilised all my sick-leaves and off-days and just declared redundant. There are many people like me who are bound by chronic illness and cannot do the things they love. I share your pain. But there’s hope. I’m grateful to God for His reminder that He will restore to you all the years that the locusts have eaten. Also Jer 29:11