Hello Bwana Kitoto,
I trust this e-mail finds you well. I’ve been reading your responses to relationship concerns and decided to seek your advice. Several years back, I used to date this woman who later got married to someone else. She has one child. I recently married, but we are still in touch. She says my bedroom skills were out of this world and that she would like us to meet one day for a rematch.
What do I do?
What both of you feel towards each other is lust and a desire to fulfil the desires of the flesh without due consideration of the consequences thereafter. From a moral point of view, I believe that what the two of you are plotting will hurt your marriages deeply.
How do you think her husband and your wife would feel and react if they discovered your treachery? Think with me for a moment; if your ex could be that bold to ask for sexual favours, could it be that you are just one of the many she has proposed this to? Once a door is opened to adultery, most times there is no turning back.
One way of winning this war against going back on your marital promise is to acknowledge that you have a weakness that needs to be attended to. Acknowledging weakness or failure is the first step to dealing with what you are faced with.
Second, understand why you are even thinking about cheating. Is it because of certain shortcomings in your marriage or it is due to personal weaknesses? This is important because it will help you learn how to deal with the desire to be unfaithful to your wife. Third, confront your weakness or desire to go outside your marriage. If your marriage has a deficiency, then seek ways to remedy the situation. If the temptation to have an affair is not prompted by a deficiency in your marriage, then learn how to practice self-control because this is not the only temptation you will be confronted with. Fourth, seek an accountability partner. This should possibly be a male friend who you can talk to about your desire. The person you choose to talk to must be morally upright and one you look up to.
The man that I loved used me and dumped me. Four years later, I’m yet to get over the betrayal.
Hello Pastor Kitoto,
The man I fell in love with has destroyed my life. He had initially tried to date my older sister, but it did not work out. My sister is now happily married to someone else. Anyway, I got into a relationship with this man even though he was married and I ended up getting pregnant, which was a pleasant surprise because I had fibroids and had been informed that I would only get pregnant when they shrunk. My fallopian tubes were also blocked.
This man wasn’t happy when he learnt that I was pregnant, and tried to convince me to have an abortion but I refused. Two months later, I lost my baby, and I suspect that he was behind it. He must have put something in my drink. After that, he went quiet on me; in fact, I haven’t heard from him since 2016.
This man now has three kids. His third child came after my miscarriage. My grudge for him is still alive. I still have the ultrasound that I took in 2016 showing that I was two months pregnant. I wish to be happy and I need get over my miscarriage.
From your description of this man you haven’t got over since 2016, you should be happy that he is out of your life. It’s clear, as you pointed out, that he was with you purely for personal gratification.
He was also a married man at the time of your relationship, therefore, he was cheating on his wife. This is not a caring or responsible man, and I suggest that you look for ways to move on with your life.
It’s obvious that you were disappointed by the loss of your pregnancy and that you suspect this man had something to do with it. When people’s objectives and desires differ, such a thing is bound to happen. This man was not interested in your happiness, rather, his personal satisfaction. There is need for you to resolve your inner feelings concerning this loss.
Forgiveness helps us to get it right with self, God and others. You’re doing yourself a disservice by carrying past wounds and hurts that were inflicted long ago. In this life, we’re bound to make mistakes and hurt others, while there are those who will treat us badly. When this happens, we must wake up, dust ourselves and move on with life. Life is too short to waste dwelling on things that we have no control over.
To move ahead, first acknowledge that there are issues that cause you great distress. Second, do something about the matters that you have power over. For example, forgive those who have hurt you. Third, purpose to move on with your life without regret; yesterday is gone and God has allowed you to see today, so take advantage of that.
Use today and the days ahead to rewrite your story as you aim to be proud of who you are becoming, which drives me to the third issue.
I sense lots of bitterness, anger, pain, and regret within you. Yes, you made some mistakes. We all do, but it’s possible to right these mistakes. You can start by viewing them as a learning opportunity. Those that are willing and ready to learn from their past are more emotionally prepared to face future challenges. You also need to be strategic about the people you choose to associate with in future. Renowned preacher, Joel Osteen cautions: “Be careful with whom you associate, especially when you feel emotionally vulnerable.”
And you can find love again with the right person. First, start by being positive about dating again, but avoid people who would want to use your pain to take advantage of you. Second, be careful about an attraction that focuses on sexual desire or allowing yourself to use sex as a way to deal with your past, and third, do not allow yourself to be led by the fear of being alone.
Our religions are different, will our relationship work?
My man and I are of different religions. He believes that marriage will not work out for us because of this. Can you advise us on how to make our relationship work?
I’ve answered questions on the matter of faith and religion several times in this column. I’ll summarise what I’ve said before. First, find out what makes the two of you different. Can you see clear differences that exist between your religious beliefs? What are these differences?
You then need to determine if they are core enough to compromise what you believe in and who you are. If you were to embrace your partner’s way of worship, what will fundamentally change in your doctrine and practice? Do you find a problem with their doctrine? These questions will help you determine what you can and cannot compromise. If your religious differences depart fundamentally from what you believe, then you need to let each other know the areas of dispute.
If no solution can be agreed upon, the best thing is to go separate ways. This is important because one’s religious inclination affects behaviour, beliefs, values, and practices.
Second, you need to determine whether he respects your views on religion. When your religious differences are fundamentally different, I suggest that rather than argue and fight about it, you allow each other to be free to practice what you believe in. But this can only work in an environment where your beliefs and convictions are not hindered or challenged. When you make the choice to respect each other’s beliefs, this will ultimately help you appreciate that God is the one who leads us to our spiritual destiny.
Our religious convictions are either based on what we saw our parents practice or the result of a personal encounter with God. As a result, neither you nor your partner should force the other to ascribe to what they believe in.
Do you have a relationship question? Email [email protected]
Singer speaks after attacking lover at WCB signee Zuchu’s star-studded concert
56 minutes ago
On 18 July, there was fanfare at the Mlimani City Hall in Dar es Salaam as WCB signee Zuchu held a thanksgiving concert months after her debut EP, I Am Zuchu. The event dubbed ‘Ahsante Nashukuru’ mainly featured performances by artistes from the WCB stable and attracted the whos-who in the Tanzanian entertainment and political scenes.
However, singer Gigy Money who also performed made the headlines for the wrong reasons after getting into a scuffle with her lover during the much-publicised concert.
READ ALSO: I was bewitched by a friend – Gigy Money
Peaceful arrival, later chaos
Moments earlier, Gigy and her Nigerian man were seen arriving arm in arm at the event whose highlight featured Zuchu receiving a brand new car from WCB head honcho Diamond Platnumz. Donning matching outfits, the couple was spotted on the red carpet as the paparazzi scrambled to capture the moment. However, all hell breaks loose later and viral videos depict the visibly angered Nigerian arguing with a bouncer at the entrance. After a tense confrontation, Gigy’s man is seen being led by the screaming bouncer towards the exit. Shortly after, a similarly irritated Gigy emerges and follows the pair.
“Gigy! Wewe Gigy wewe!” a woman in the background is heard dissuading the singer from pursuing them but the singer pays no heed and heads for the pair.
“You want to beat me?” the boyfriend is heard asking an approaching Gigy as the bouncer acts as a barrier between them. The bouncer manages to steer the incensed man towards the exit as Gigy follows behind, hurling obscenities.
At some point, a barefoot Gigy turns into a sprint before throwing one of her shoes which hits the man who then responds with an insult. Another bouncer finally intervenes and the two are separated. Gigy then asks for her vehicle so she can head home before warning the press against sharing videos of the incident.
Though the cause of their tiff is still unknown Gigy later made reference to the shocking incident in a social media post, hinting that alcohol had a part to play in the fracas. In another post, Gigy shared a photo alongside her estranged lover writing: “My mad man looked handsome before his demons arose and mine arose too.”
‘Running over Ali Kiba’
Gigy is not new controversy and recently said she’d run over her ex, singer Ali Kiba for breaking her heart.
“I will knock all of them down, I mean I will kill them. In fact, I will flatten them like chapatis. The first person I will knock down and kill is Ali Kiba. Actually, I don’t need a weak car, I need a Fuso so that when I knock him down I will be sure he doesn’t survive,” Gigy told Ayo TV.
Dating Kiba brothers
Gigy had in the past admitted to dating both Ali Kiba and his younger brother, Abdu Kiba. She solely laid the blame on Chekecha singer for pursuing her despite knowing that she’d been with his younger brother. Abdu expressed being heartbroken after learning the two had a fling, prompting him to marry.
“I was very hurt on hearing that Ali was dating Gigy Money because I dated her first before she became famous. But it’s alleged that Ali didn’t know. It hurt me for a while till when I married,” said Abdu.
Defunct Nairobi County Council Nurses Go On Strike, Citing Discrimination By The Government
Why Jahmby Kokai is happy her TV anchor dream never came true
37 minutes ago
Popular media personality Jahmby Koikai narrated how her first attempt at auditioning as a TV host backfired and she was sent home on the first day of the audition. Reliving her prime days, Jahmby narrated how she was determined to follow her dream of becoming a news anchor after completing her degree.
“There was a reality show that was running on one major TV channel here in Kenya, searching for the next top news anchor. I’ve always had the knack for news. At the time, I was working at Metro FM. Walked to my boss and asked him if he was ok with me participating in this competition. He agreed to it.
“Auditions were at Film Studios. The queue stretched all the way to the showground. I was at the back kabisa. Imagine 300 people before you. Then we got the briefing paper and it indicated, ‘no persons with experience in a media house allowed to participate in this audition’. Mimi Jahmby Koikai, nirudi home after watu 300 kukuwa mbele yangu?” she posed.
According to the endometriosis survivor, she went ahead to audition for the position despite the warning and was the first contestant to be sent packing.
“So I stayed in line until I got to the audition room. The judges were a few people I was in campus with. I felt a wave of despair. Like I’m here auditioning, yet my classmates will be judging me? I did my thing and I was considered. We got into the house and we were assigned to different groups. I was the group leader and we won the challenge. Later that evening, we were driven back to Film Studios for a briefing. The presenter of the show said some of us have to go home.
“My name was called out first amongst other great people. We were dropped home. I cried. It felt like I’d lost such a great opportunity. My mom and late grandma were so sad cos they loved to watch me do the news,” she narrated.
Later, Jahmby auditioned for another TV opportunity only to miss out as well.
“Then came another opportunity over 10 years ago, I saw a TV ad and decided to apply for the news anchor position. I didn’t get the job.”
However, due to endometriosis, Jahmby was forced to put her dreams on hold and concentrate on getting better. According to her, it is as though God had better plans for her and is grateful to not have gotten the jobs.
“I battled severe endometriosis in silence for over 19 years. I think of how engaging the newsroom is and I’m grateful I wasn’t in that space. I’d have utilized all my sick-leaves and off-days and just declared redundant.”
There was a reality show that was running on one major TV channel here in Kenya, searching for the next top news anchor. I’ve always had the knack for news. At the time, I was working at Metro Fm. Walked to my boss and asked him if he was ok with me participating in this competition. He agreed to it. Auditions were at Film Studios. The queue stretched all the way to the showground. I was at the back kabisa. Imagine 300 people before you. Then we got the briefing paper and it indicated, ‘no persons with experience in a media house allowed to participate in this audition’. Mimi Jahmby Koikai, nirudi home after watu 300 kukuwa mbele yangu? Nikasema zi. So I stayed in line until I got to the audition room. The judges were a few people I was in campus with. I felt a wave of despair. Like I’m here auditioning, yet my classmates will be judging me? I did my thing and I was considered. We got into the house and we were assigned to different groups. I was the group leader and we won the challenge. Later that evening, we were driven back to Film Studios for a briefing. The presenter of the show said, some of us have to go home. My name was called out first amongst other great people. We were dropped home. I cried. It felt like I’d lost such a great opportunity. My mom and late grandma were so sad cos they loved to watch me do the news. Then came another opportunity over 10years ago, I saw a TV ad and decided to apply for the news anchor position. As you see in this pic, I got my hair done at Ralph’s Hair Salon, new suit etc. I didn’t get the job. After KBC, I never got to anchor the news again. I’m grateful I did not get the job even though I felt dejected at the time. I battled severe Endometriosis in silence for over 19years. I think of how engaging the newsroom is and I’m grateful I wasn’t in that space. I’d have utilised all my sick-leaves and off-days and just declared redundant. There are many people like me who are bound by chronic illness and cannot do the things they love. I share your pain. But there’s hope. I’m grateful to God for His reminder that He will restore to you all the years that the locusts have eaten. Also Jer 29:11