Connect with us

General

KITOTO: Is my girlfriend ready for a commitment?

Published

on

Loading...

[ad_1]

By PHILIP KITOTO
More by this Author

I need your advice. I have been dating for almost two years and whenever I ask my girlfriend to meet my mother, she always says it is not yet time to meet her.

Sometimes, she raises issues of sustainability, wondering how we will make it in life, given that we are in the same career.

Recently, we had an issue and she did not show any effort in wanting to resolve it. Every time I want to discuss serious matters with her, she usually says I should give her time. Should I continue with this relationship or is this a sign that we are no more?

I can sense there are issues that point to the lack of commitment towards marriage. Among these include, a feeling by your girlfriend that both of you are not ready to start a home. This notion is the result of fears accumulated over time.

For some women, they may question whether they are getting married to the right man and for the right reasons. They worry if they have what it takes to pull through the marriage, if there are enough finances to make this marriage work or if the relationship is strong enough to sustain a marriage. Sometimes, they find they are not ready to make a long-term commitment.

For many other women, they fear commitment because they think that commitment is a trap that limits one’s choices or options. I may not know exactly how your relationship functions, however, it may be that she is still in exploratory face and not serious commitment. Some spouses have this assumption that being in a relationship automatically translates to a commitment towards marriage.

Marriage is not a guarantee of the presence of love. On the contrary, it is the testing of any love that could be present. Marriage, and for that matter any other relationship, is where your commitment is tested. The truth is, put two people together and conflict is on the way. Her fears are genuine and need to be validated by you. Seek to speak into her fears without appearing to manipulate her or force her into a commitment.

Let me also mention that lack of commitment could be the result of or a lack of decision on whether the other partner sees you as the one they would like to spend their life with. I encourage you to build an environment where she can feel safe to state her inner fears.

How can I marry another woman without hurting my wife?

I am 28 years old, married and a father to one daughter. My wife once cheated on me. It has been a year since that happened, but I am unable to forgive her. I want to marry another woman without hurting her. How can I do that?

The truth is that, there is no way you can marry another woman without hurting her. It is common that, as far as marriage is concerned, women hurt deeply when their men have an affair but they are easy to forgive than men would if the opposite happened.

I believe what is happening is a lack of walking through with forgiveness. In fact, the big question I should ask is whether your current struggle is a result of un-forgiveness; or is your current state the result of an anger and hate in your heart that comes out of remembering what she did?

I read an article once where a man alluded to the fact that, he will first make the women confess the affair. According to the article, men do not admit that the affair was their fault. In the article, the feeling was that forgiveness is a sign of weakness and that men should not show their weakness to a woman. Wow! I believe that saying “I forgive you” or “I am sorry” must be followed by responsible actions to bring remedy.

Whatever the case, forgiveness is about unconditionally letting go the offence done against us. Asking for responsible behaviour from our partner helps the relationship grow from the failure. None is perfect in this world. We all make mistakes, fall and hurt others. But true forgiveness comes where we make a conscious choice to verbalise pardon and choose to treat them as though they never sinned against us.

Loading...

God has blessed you with a daughter that needs a mother and father. She needs a stable home to grow in. It is up to you to count the cost and ask whether you would have loved her to do the same if you were the one who had fallen. Please get me right, by this I am not excusing her behaviour. Forgiveness is your part and it helps bring back connection. Reconciliation is only possible when we forgive. We mature through challenges we face. Great innovators failed, but it is their attitude of never giving up that made them successful. I pray that this Christmas will remind you of a love you could extend that could just be what is needed to restore your love life.

Should I follow my heart or mind?

I’m 33 years old. I have an issue that I have not been able to resolve.

I have dated two women in the last three years. I have dated one for three years (Jane) and the other one for two years (Mary). We’re all ready to settle down and I cannot make a decision on who to marry.

I have a great emotional connection with Jane. She’s easy going, quiet and laid back. I like that about her. We get along pretty well. She’s not as aggressive as Mary when it comes to matters business and investments. I feel like she’s my soul mate and the feeling is mutual.

With Mary, the emotional connection is lacking. We share a lot in common, especially when it comes to business ideas and investments. I haven’t been able to connect with her as I have with Jane.

Will the connection come with time if I decide to settle down with her? Is emotional connection an important aspect in a relationship? I’m torn between following my heart and my mind.

The heart and mind have a lot to teach us when it comes to relationships. Relational intelligence, as key as it is, has been in most cases neglected by many, thereby hindering health in a relationship.

Involving emotional intelligence has the ability to improve the performance of the relationship, enhance spirit, increased creativity, and ability to deal with changes in the relationship.

Emotional intelligence also helps those involved in a relationship enjoy their relationship better.

Therefore, knowing the emotional capacity of your partner is key in using such knowledge in relating to them better. According to a Psychology magazine of June 2018, “Emotionally intelligent people understand that their thoughts create their emotions, and that facilitating and controlling thought has the ability to decrease the power of their emotions.”

Additionally, “understand the connection between their actions and other people’s emotional reactions” is important to any relationship. And according to a paper titled “Emotional Intelligence, Relationship Quality and Partner Selection” that I read a while back, by James Casey, “Accumulative evidence suggests that EI, which include the abilities to perceive emotion, use emotion to facilitate thought, understand emotion, and manage emotion, is important to both relationship satisfaction and partner selection.”

How well we are able to assess such emotional display and whether it can be trusted is difficult by key. While at college, my professor taught me the importance of critical thinking in virtually everything we do. The idea here is the need to involve the mind and reason in questioning self, our decisions and the people we relate to in a more objective way.

Using critical thinking in everyday situations changes a lot in the way we relate with others. Knowing, therefore, what Jane and Mary bring to the table of marriage must be done honestly and openly to enable you determine where you have the greatest convergence. You can never just follow one. In my marriage, I have found both to be key.



[ad_2]

Loading...
Continue Reading

General

Public officers above 58 years and with pre-existing conditions told to work from home: The Standard

Published

on

Loading...

Head of Public Service Joseph Kinyua. [File, Standard]
In a document from Head of Public Service, Joseph Kinyua new measure have been outlined to curb the bulging spread of covid-19. Public officers with underlying health conditions and those who are over 58 years -a group that experts have classified as most vulnerable to the virus will be required to execute their duties from home.

Loading...

However, the new rule excluded personnel in the security sector and other critical and essential services.
“All State and public officers with pre-existing medical conditions and/or aged 58 years and above serving in CSG5 (job group ‘S’) and below or their equivalents should forthwith work from home,” read the document,” read the document.
To ensure that those working from home deliver, the Public Service directs that there be clear assignments and targets tasked for the period designated and a clear reporting line to monitor and review work done.
SEE ALSO: Thinking inside the cardboard box for post-lockdown work stations
Others measures outlined in the document include the provision of personal protective equipment to staff, provision of sanitizers and access to washing facilities fitted with soap and water, temperature checks for all staff and clients entering public offices regular fumigation of office premises and vehicles and minimizing of visitors except by prior appointments.
Officers who contract the virus and come back to work after quarantine or isolation period will be required to follow specific directives such as obtaining clearance from the isolation facility certified by the designated persons indicating that the public officer is free and safe from Covid-19. The officer will also be required to stay away from duty station for a period of seven days after the date of medical certification.
“The period a public officer spends in quarantine or isolation due to Covid-19, shall be treated as sick leave and shall be subject to the Provisions of the Human Resource Policy and procedures Manual for the Public Service(May,2016),” read the document.
The service has also made discrimination and stigmatization an offence and has guaranteed those affected with the virus to receive adequate access to mental health and psychosocial supported offered by the government.
The new directives targeting the Public Services come at a time when Kenyans have increasingly shown lack of strict observance of the issued guidelines even as the number of positive Covid-19 cases skyrocket to 13,771 and leaving 238 dead as of today.
SEE ALSO: Working from home could be blessing in disguise for persons with disabilities
Principal Secretaries/ Accounting Officers will be personally responsible for effective enforcement and compliance of the current guidelines and any future directives issued to mitigate the spread of Covid-19.

Loading...
Continue Reading

General

Uhuru convenes summit to review rising Covid-19 cases: The Standard

Published

on

Loading...

President Uhuru Kenyatta (pictured) will on Friday, July 24, meet governors following the ballooning Covid-19 infections in recent days.
The session will among other things review the efficacy of the containment measures in place and review the impact of the phased easing of the restrictions, State House said in a statement.
This story is being updated.
SEE ALSO: Sakaja resigns from Covid-19 Senate committee, in court tomorrow

Loading...
Continue Reading

General

Drastic life changes affecting mental health

Published

on

Loading...

Kenya has been ranked 6th among African countries with the highest cases of depression, this has triggered anxiety by the World Health Organization (WHO), with 1.9 million people suffering from a form of mental conditions such as depression, substance abuse.

KBC Radio_KICD Timetable

Globally, one in four people is affected by mental or neurological disorders at some point in their lives, this is according to the WHO.

Currently, around 450 million people suffer from such conditions, placing mental disorders among the leading causes of ill-health and disability worldwide.

The pandemic has also been known to cause significant distress, mostly affecting the state of one’s mental well-being.

Get breaking news on your Mobile as-it-happens. SMS ‘NEWS’ to 20153

With the spread of the COVID-19 pandemic attributed to the novel Coronavirus disease, millions have been affected globally with over 14 million infections and half a million deaths as to date. This has brought about uncertainty coupled with difficult situations, including job loss and the risk of contracting the deadly virus.

In Kenya the first Coronavirus case was reported in Nairobi by the Ministry of Health on the 12th March 2020.  It was not until the government put in place precautionary measures including a curfew and lockdown (the latter having being lifted) due to an increase in the number of infections that people began feeling its effect both economically and socially.

A study by Dr. Habil Otanga,  a Lecturer at the University of Nairobi, Department of Psychology says  that such measures can in turn lead to surge in mental related illnesses including depression, feelings of confusion, anger and fear, and even substance abuse. It also brings with it a sense of boredom, loneliness, anger, isolation and frustration. In the post-quarantine/isolation period, loss of employment due to the depressed economy and the stigma around the disease are also likely to lead to mental health problems.

The Kenya National Bureau of Statistics (KNBS) states that at least 300,000 Kenyans have lost their jobs due to the Coronavirus pandemic between the period of January and March this year.

KNBC noted that the number of employed Kenyans plunged to 17.8 million as of March from 18.1 million people as compared to last year in December. The Report states that the unemployment rate in Kenya stands at 13.7 per cent as of March this year while it stood 12.4 per cent in December 2019.

Loading...

Mama T (not her real name) is among millions of Kenyans who have been affected by containment measures put in place to curb the spread of the virus, either by losing their source of income or having to work under tough guidelines put in place by the MOH.

As young mother and an event organizer, she has found it hard to explain to her children why they cannot go to school or socialize freely with their peers as before.

“Sometimes it gets difficult as they do not understand what is happening due to their age, this at times becomes hard on me as they often think I am punishing them,”

Her contract was put on hold as no event or public gatherings can take place due to the pandemic. This has brought other challenges along with it, as she has to find means of fending for her family expenditures that including rent and food.

“I often wake up in the middle of the night with worries about my next move as the pandemic does not exhibit any signs of easing up,” she says. She adds that she has been forced to sort for manual jobs to keep her family afloat.

Ms. Mary Wahome, a Counseling Psychologist and Programs Director at ‘The Reason to Hope,’ in Karen, Nairobi says that such kind of drastic life changes have an adverse effect on one’s mental status including their family members and if not addressed early can lead to depression among other issues.

“We have had cases of people indulging in substance abuse to deal with the uncertainty and stress brought about by the pandemic, this in turn leads to dependence and also domestic abuse,”

Sam Njoroge , a waiter at a local hotel in Kiambu, has found himself indulging in substance abuse due to challenges he is facing after the hotel he was working in was closed down as it has not yet met the standards required by the MOH to open.

“My day starts at 6am where I go to a local pub, here I can get a drink for as little as Sh30, It makes me suppress the frustration I feel.” he says.

Sam is among the many who have found themselves in the same predicament and resulted to substance abuse finding ways to beat strict measures put in place by the government on the sale of alcohol so as to cope.

Mary says, situations like Sam’s are dangerous and if not addressed early can lead to serious complications, including addiction and dependency, violent behavior and also early death due to health complications.

She has, however, lauded the government for encouraging mental wellness and also launching the Psychological First Aid (PFA) guide in the wake of the virus putting emphasis on the three action principal of look, listen and link. “When we follow this it will be easy to identify an individual in distress and also offer assistance”.

Mary has urged anyone feeling the weight of the virus taking a toll on them not to hesitate but look for someone to talk to.

“You should not only seek help from a specialist but also talk to a friend, let them know what you are undergoing and how you feel, this will help ease their emotional stress and also find ways of dealing with the situation they are facing,” She added

Mary continued to stress on the need to perform frequent body exercises as a form of stress relief, reading and also taking advantage of this unfortunate COVID-19 period to engage in hobbies and talent development.

“Let people take this as an opportunity to kip fit, get in touch with one’s inner self and  also engage in   reading that would  help expand their knowledge.

Loading...
Continue Reading

Trending