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KITOTO: Ignore your manipulative ex and move on with your life

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By PHILIP KITOTO
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I am 29-year-old man and have been in a relationship with a colleague at work since 2014. When we met, she was pregnant with another man’s baby. At the time, she was emotionally disturbed because of her relationship with the father of her child and relied on me for emotional support. I was there for her during that difficult period in her life but, unfortunately, one thing led to another and we soon became an item. Later, she had an affair with another man and even asked for a transfer at work and relocated to another town. Due to this, we did not see each other for an entire year.

I managed to move on with my life and even got another partner. I am serious with my current relationship and want to take it to the next level by marrying my girlfriend.

The problem is that my ex is now back claiming that I am her man and she will not allow me to marry another woman. She has threatened to never allow my fiancé and I to ever live in peace if we go ahead with our plans. She pops in at both my house in Nairobi and my rural village unannounced and whenever she likes claiming both are her homes. This is regardless of the fact that she has never contributed to buying anything in either homes apart from curtains and beddings. How can I tackle this issue? Please help.

Hi,
As I read through your e-mail, I could not help but notice that many issues pertaining to your problem seem unclear.

First of all, when you met your ex, she was carrying the baby of another man. It is not clear how this was resolved. This was soon followed by her cheating and taking off. I fail to see any form of trust and faithfulness — key values for the survival of any relationship. The fact that she moved both her residence and work station are clear indications about her feelings towards you.

I therefore fail to comprehend why she would still claim to be in a relationship with you. For you to claim that she can’t allow you to marry your current partner is odd because, from where I stand, I do not consider your dysfunctional relationship with your ex-girlfriend to be one that can lead to marriage.

It appears like she is good at using threats, manipulation and intimidation to control you. It is, however, your decision to evaluate this relationship in light of previous actions.

Personally, I feel that this lady is wasting your time. In addition, you need to be mature in the way you deal with your relationships so that you avoid being taken advantage of.

From what you have written, I see nothing that should hold you back from entering into a relationship that will guarantee your future happiness.

Work towards protecting your son from emotional control and manipulation

Hi,I am a single dad of a 6-year-old boy. The mother of my son and I used to live in different towns. After having the baby, she became careless and abandoned the child to enjoy life.

I decided to be a better parent to my child and took him in when he was almost 2 years old. I have lived with him ever since. We have had bad and good times, I have spent sleepless nights in hospitals and almost pulled my hair out over worry.

This is our fifth year together, he is a happy, well-adjusted boy and is performing well in school. Over this period, the mother has been hardly in my or his life. I hire the help, bathe him sometimes, go to the market for food, buy his clothes, discipline him, take him to hospital and play with him — I practically do everything.

I have only introduced one woman whom I dated for close to two years to my son. However, since she left the country and our relationship ended, I have struggled to meet someone new who shares my values. I feel that I sacrificed a lot to raise my son and have always wondered how single mothers do it.

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This year, I met a single mother of a 5-year-old girl. We are madly in love but haven’t introduced our kids yet. I want to marry her.

The problem is, the mother of my son has suddenly become very visible in our lives. She pops into my house without notice and brings clothes for my son. She even attempts to bribe him emotionally. I hate that woman.

I feel like she is a distraction in our lives and doesn’t deserve my time nor that of my child. I want to ban her from my house and my child’s life. Is this the right thing to do?

Having a child out of wedlock is not easy. The responsibilities of single parents, and particularly single dads, can be difficult and complicated.

However, you did well not to abandon your child and instead offered him a place to lay his head and the love of a father. This is commendable, albeit with the accompanying troubles.

I do trust that you have come to the bottom of the issues that were keeping him in and out of hospital. The love of a parent helps immensely in bringing balance to our growing children.

My prayer is that you make time for him to draw encouragement from you. As he grows, what you are investing now will be crucial of his survival in this cruel world.

It is strange that even when you feel madly in love with her, you also do not approve of her actions towards your son. The problem here is the rush you had in introducing her to your home. Did you expect that she will not try to be close to this child? I suggest that you two have an honest discussion of the boundaries you expect of each other.

Right now, the freedom she has when she is with you has extended to your house and to your son. Until you place the boundaries, it will continue to drive you crazy.

The moment you allowed her into your life, means that the close-knit relationship you had with your son would be affected. Time and commitment given to one would affect the other.

There are two options available for you, remain a single parent and enjoy all the fun and closeness you desire with your son; or understand that having someone in your life will affect what you previously had. There is no place of keeping things the way they were while having two other people in your house. Here is some guidance that would help you make better of the situation:

Accept that the closeness you have built over time with your son will be affected at some point — particularly by him growing up and spending more time with his friends.

Ensure that your current investments will not rob you of personal enjoyment.

Evaluate your love life in light of your current responsibilities. You have to know that a woman who you claim to be madly in love with will desire to return the favour by loving you and your son. In fact, this is the ideal scenario.

Place boundaries that will protect the child from being exploited. Boundaries help place limits on what can be done and what cannot. What you lack is the communication of the type of values you embrace so that it does not appear as though your girlfriend is bribing your child.

Exercise caution on how you evaluate the way other people relate to your son. Be careful not to end up denying your son the mother that could love him just because you are being overly protective. No one can deny you your place. What you need is a great woman who will truly love you and your son and vice versa.



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Sordid tale of the bank ‘that would bribe God’

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Bank of Credit and Commerce International. August 1991. [File, Standard]

“This bank would bribe God.” These words of a former employee of the disgraced Bank of Credit and Commerce International (BCCI) sum up one of the most rotten global financial institutions.
BCCI pitched itself as a top bank for the Third World, but its spectacular collapse would reveal a web of transnational corruption and a playground for dictators, drug lords and terrorists.
It was one of the largest banks cutting across 69 countries and its aftermath would cause despair to innocent depositors, including Kenyans.
BCCI, which had $20 billion (Sh2.1 trillion in today’s exchange rate) assets globally, was revealed to have lost more than its entire capital.
The bank was founded in 1972 by the crafty Pakistani banker Agha Hasan Abedi.
He was loved in his homeland for his charitable acts but would go on to break every rule known to God and man.
In 1991, the Bank of England (BoE) froze its assets, citing large-scale fraud running for several years. This would see the bank cease operations in multiple countries. The Luxembourg-based BCCI was 77 per cent owned by the Gulf Emirate of Abu Dhabi.  
BoE investigations had unearthed laundering of drugs money, terrorism financing and the bank boasted of having high-profile customers such as Panama’s former strongman Manual Noriega as customers.
The Standard, quoting “highly placed” sources reported that Abu Dhabi ruler Sheikh Zayed Sultan would act as guarantor to protect the savings of Kenyan depositors.
The bank had five branches countrywide and panic had gripped depositors on the state of their money.
Central Bank of Kenya (CBK) would then move to appoint a manager to oversee the operations of the BCCI operations in Kenya.
It sent statements assuring depositors that their money was safe.
The Standard reported that the Sheikh would be approaching the Kenyan and other regional subsidiaries of the bank to urge them to maintain operations and assure them of his personal support.
It was said that contact between CBK and Abu Dhabi was “likely.”
This came as the British Ambassador to the UAE Graham Burton implored the gulf state to help compensate Britons, and the Indian government also took similar steps.
The collapse of BCCI was, however, not expect to badly hit the Kenyan banking system. This was during the sleazy 1990s when Kenya’s banking system was badly tested. It was the era of high graft and “political banks,” where the institutions fraudulently lent to firms belonging or connected to politicians, who were sometimes also shareholders.
And even though the impact was expected to be minimal, it was projected that a significant number of depositors would transfer funds from Asian and Arab banks to other local institutions.
“Confidence in Arab banking has taken a serious knock,” the “highly placed” source told The Standard.
BCCI didn’t go down without a fight. It accused the British government of a conspiracy to bring down the Pakistani-run bank.  The Sheikh was said to be furious and would later engage in a protracted legal battle with the British.
“It looks to us like a Western plot to eliminate a successful Muslim-run Third World Bank. We know that it often acted unethically. But that is no excuse for putting it out of business, especially as the Sultan of Abu Dhabi had agreed to a restructuring plan,” said a spokesperson for British Asians.
A CBK statement signed by then-Deputy Governor Wanjohi Murithi said it was keenly monitoring affairs of the mother bank and would go to lengths to protect Kenyan depositors.
“In this respect, the CBK has sought and obtained the assurance of the branch’s management that the interests of depositors are not put at risk by the difficulties facing the parent company and that the bank will meet any withdrawal instructions by depositors in the normal course of business,” said Mr Murithi.
CBK added that it had maintained surveillance of the local branch and was satisfied with its solvency and liquidity.
This was meant to stop Kenyans from making panic withdrawals.
For instance, armed policemen would be deployed at the bank’s Nairobi branch on Koinange Street after the bank had announced it would shut its Kenyan operations.
In Britain, thousands of businesses owned by British Asians were on the verge of financial ruin following the closure of BCCI.
Their firms held almost half of the 120,000 bank accounts registered with BCCI in Britain. 
The African Development Bank was also not spared from this mess, with the bulk of its funds deposited and BCCI and stood to lose every coin.
Criminal culture
In Britain, local authorities from Scotland to the Channel Islands are said to have lost over £100 million (Sh15.2 billion in today’s exchange rate).
The biggest puzzle remained how BCCI was allowed by BoE and other monetary regulation authorities globally to reach such levels of fraudulence.
This was despite the bank being under tight watch owing to the conviction of some of its executives on narcotics laundering charges in the US.
Coast politician, the late Shariff Nassir, would claim that five primary schools in Mombasa lost nearly Sh1 million and appealed to then Education Minister George Saitoti to help recover the savings. Then BoE Governor Robin Leigh-Pemberton condemned it as so deeply immersed in fraud that rescue or recovery – at least in Britain – was out of the question.
“The culture of the bank is criminal,” he said. The bank was revealed to have targeted the Third World and had created several “institutional devices” to promote its operations in developing countries.
These included the Third World Foundation for Social and Economic Studies, a British-registered charity.
“It allowed it to cultivate high-level contacts among international statesmen,” reported The Observer, a British newspaper.
BCCI also arranged an annual Third World lecture and a Third World prize endowment fund of about $10 million (Sh1 billion in today’s exchange rate).
Winners of the annual prize had included Nelson Mandela (1985), sir Bob Geldof (1986) and Archbishop Desmond Tutu (1989).
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Monitor water pumps remotely via your phone

Tracking and monitoring motor vehicles is not new to Kenyans. Competition to install affordable tracking devices is fierce but essential for fleet managers who receive reports online and track vehicles from the comfort of their desk.

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Agricultural Development Corporation Chief Accountant Gerald Karuga on the Spot Over Fraud –

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Gerald Karuga, the acting chief accountant at the Agricultural Development Corporation (ADC), is on the spot over fraud in land dealings.

ADC was established in 1965 through an Act of Parliament Cap 346 to facilitate the land transfer programme from European settlers to locals after Kenya gained independence.

Karuga is under fire for allegedly aiding a former powerful permanent secretary in the KANU era Benjamin Kipkulei to deprive ADC beneficiaries of their land in Naivasha.

Kahawa Tungu understands that the aggrieved parties continue to protest the injustice and are now asking the Ethics and Anti-corruption Commission (EACC) and the Directorate of Criminal Investigations (DCI) to probe Karuga.

A source who spoke to Weekly Citizen publication revealed that Managing Director Mohammed Dulle is also involved in the mess at ADC.

Read: Ministry of Agriculture Apologizes After Sending Out Tweets Portraying the President in bad light

Dulle is accused of sidelining a section of staffers in the parastatal.

The sources at ADC intimated that Karuga has been placed strategically at ADC to safeguard interests of many people who acquired the corporations’ land as “donations” from former President Daniel Arap Moi.

Despite working at ADC for many years Karuga has never been transferred, a trend that has raised eyebrows.

“Karuga has worked here for more than 30 years and unlike other senior officers in other parastatals who are transferred after promotion or moved to different ministries, for him, he has stuck here for all these years and we highly suspect that he is aiding people who were dished out with big chunks of land belonging to the corporation in different parts of the country,” said the source.

In the case of Karuga safeguarding Kipkulei’s interests, workers at the parastatals and the victims who claim to have lost their land in Naivasha revealed that during the Moi regime some senior officials used dubious means to register people as beneficiaries of land without their knowledge and later on colluded with rogue land officials at the Ministry of Lands to acquire title deeds in their names instead of those of the benefactors.

Read Also: Galana Kulalu Irrigation Scheme To Undergo Viability Test Before Being Privatised

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“We have information that Karuga has benefitted much from Kipkulei through helping him and this can be proved by the fact that since the matter of the Naivasha land began, he has been seen changing and buying high-end vehicles that many people of his rank in government can’t afford to buy or maintain,” the source added.

“He is even building a big apartment for rent in Ruiru town.”

The wealthy officer is valued at over Sh1.5 billion in prime properties and real estate.

Last month, more than 100 squatters caused scenes in Naivasha after raiding a private firm owned by Kipkulei.

The squatters, who claimed to have lived on the land for more than 40 years, were protesting take over of the land by a private developer who had allegedly bought the land from the former PS.

They pulled down a three-kilometre fence that the private developed had erected.

The squatters claimed that the former PS had not informed them that he had sold the land and that the developer was spraying harmful chemicals on the grass affecting their livestock and homes built on a section of the land.

Read Also: DP Ruto Wants NCPB And Other Agricultural Bodies Merged For Efficiency

Naivasha Deputy County Commissioner Kisilu Mutua later issued a statement warning the squatters against encroaching on Kipkuleir’s land.

“They are illegally invading private land. We shall not allow the rule of the jungle to take root,” warned Mutua.

Meanwhile, a parliamentary committee recently demanded to know identities of 10 faceless people who grabbed 30,350 acres of land belonging to the parastatal, exposing the rot at the corporation.

ADC Chairman Nick Salat, who doubles up as the KANU party Secretary-General, denied knowledge of the individuals and has asked DCI to probe the matter.

Email your news TIPS to [email protected] or WhatsApp +254708677607. You can also find us on Telegram through www.t.me/kahawatungu

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William Ruto eyes Raila Odinga Nyanza backyard

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Deputy President William Ruto will next month take his ‘hustler nation’ campaigns to his main rival, ODM leader Raila Odinga’s Nyanza backyard, in an escalation of the 2022 General Election competition.

Acrimonious fall-out

Development agenda

Won’t bear fruit

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