I am 36 years old, and not married. The last time I was in a stable relationship was six years ago. I have a good job, lots of friends and a stable income. I love my life.
The problem is that I want to settle down soon and have a family — but with the right man. I want a man who is faithful, family oriented, honest, kind and as hardworking as I.
However, the only men I keep meeting are these typical Nairobian, sports-loving bar flies who think that all women want them, and therefore they don’t need to work hard on self-improvement. My friends say I am too picky and that I will never find a man who meets all my expectations. On the other hand, I know I will be unhappy if I don’t settle down soon. How do I get out of this conundrum?
It is good that you have figured out what you want in a marriage. That sets you in a position of power as you will not settle for anything. You say that the kind of men you are meeting do not meet your standards. This is because it is hard to meet a man who has that complete set of criteria. Date a man who has most of the attributes that you mentioned then work on what they may not have. You must also be cautious as you may push away a man by trying to change him. You may also consider changing places you are likely to meet these men. Sports bars are clearly not working for you. You may consider other joints, which are more tranquil and suitable for a real conversation.
Njoroge Dennis, via mail.
There is no such thing as the perfect man in this world because — face it — everyone is human and has flaws. Just get a man who loves you and vice versa. You will adjust the rest as life goes on. Homes are not beds of roses but the sad thing is that women like you keep searching for men moulded by their wives. Get yourself a man and mould him. You too are not perfect to have a perfect man. Rose Blessings, via mail.
Do not settle for those confused Nairobian men who feel like they are God’s gift to humanity. The conundrum will be deeper. Stop giving yourself too much pressure. Love will find you at the right time.
Truphenah George, Facebook.
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
There are two main variables that will keep you from meeting that near-perfect man, in other words, a man who is compatible with your future expectations. If you are seeking out men who are your age group or older, then they are either multi-dating or married, and in many cases set in their ways. One thing you need to do is to go out on many dates. You cannot go on four dates and expect to find that man in that small pool. You need to at least go on 15 dates to begin to profile and understand the character pool that is out there. Men are not naturally looking for women with your relationship expectations. Adapting to those expectations commences once you establish a common need for solid companionship, which leads you to embark on cultivating for the relationship together until you sculpture your own unique bond.